| Wednesday, March 12, 2008 |
| be kind |
remember every one you meet is fighting a battle – everybody’s lonesome.
Marion Parker
Be kind. This will be my new motto. Be kind - two very humble and simple words that encourage greatness.
Every one of us fights a battle every day. They may come in the form of a crumbling marriage, unrequited love, difficult kids, health problems, money issues, an addiction, or something as minor as a toothache.
I recently admitted defeat when I learned that a person dear to me had been going through a hard time. Here I was thinking of myself and almost hating the person for not extending a hand during my own difficult time. Turns out he’d been having a difficult time as well. I was so engrossed in my own sorrow that instead of extending a hand, I hardly moved a finger. We might’ve drifted apart in that 4 months out of all those 34 years. I hope we have not.
I’ve also been a little disappointed at a brother for not helping out. I even sent him an email with words I wouldn’t have the guts to say 2 years earlier. But desperate times call for desperate measures, so I told him what I thought. Like an older sister to a younger brother, only I was younger. And he replied and apologized. Yesterday I received an anonymous email saying he slashed his wrist twice, out of loneliness, out of desperation, wanting to be out of a hellish marriage. I knew about the cause, but I was not aware of the effects.
I’ve been harsh on kom. She says one thing and I snap at her. A simple yes or no would’ve sufficed, but I snap at her. She retreats but still I glower. It’s only when I’ve mellowed down that she lets her guard down and cries. I hate seeing her cry like so, but still I make her cry.
I’m no saint. I can be uncaring when I want to. I can be such a bitch to the people I love just for the heck of it. But then I feel guilty afterwards. Maybe it’s because I know I can be a fine person as well. Wouldn’t it save me so much energy to just be kind? Anger needs a lot more space, takes up more brain power, causes more damage, and triggers heartache.
So I will try to be kind. Because everybody feels lonesome, too. |
posted by click & crash @ 3/12/2008 03:52:00 PM   |
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| Monday, February 18, 2008 |
| 2008 birthday |
xty and i went up to silang to meet a couple of friends who, in turn, took us to tagaytay. emma and ria packed beers, chum-churum (which we weren't able to finish), manggang hilaw, bagoong, chips, and sashimi. it was such a fun day. to top it off, it was wednesday, my birthday, and a day off during the middle of the week. and that tripled the fun. :)
we just stopped off some random open space, unpacked the picnic basket, rolled out the banig, and enjoyed the chilly tagaytay air. |
| posted by click & crash @ 2/18/2008 04:16:00 PM |
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| Wednesday, January 30, 2008 |
| for my brother |
It’s been 5 months now since that awful day of August 14. I’ve been putting off writing about it for numerous reasons, main reason being grief. I’m still grieving. I think about him and I want to cry. I talk about him and I want to cry. I dream about him but I end up not telling anyone because it makes me cry.
Two is denial. I still think he’d walk out of his room one afternoon and have his usual cups of coffee. Or while watching Transformers, I’d simply turn my head and tell him “galing ni Bumblebee, no?” And I’m sure he’d be the first to fall in line for the movies Dragon Ball and X-Men 3. Even the myna bird fails to realize the absence and calls him everyday. But as Brad would say, “ayun, talo.”
Brad went to the gym and that was it. It’s hard to believe that someone wanting to lose pounds ends up losing not just pounds, but life. Up until this time, tatay drives the long way so as not to pass the gym. If he does, nanay gazes at the front window, half expecting to see you lifting weights or walking the treadmill. Up until this time, I know they still expect you to come back from that gym and eat dinner, tell stories, or watch TV. I know that there are still stuck in august 14, hoping that the afternoon of that day never came.
I never told anyone, even Xty, how Brad’s passing became the catalyst for my “homecoming”. I’ve had arguments with myself about when I should go home to cavite to take care of the parents. They’re both seniors and in their late 60s. my Nanay is taking medication for her heart, and Tatay is taking alcohol as medication. I know that sooner or later, I’d have to take care of them.
And then it happened. It was Brad’s doing. He left too soon. I hate to think that that made it happen for me; but I am with my parents now. Dilemma solved, but such a cost!
I am amazed at Nanay’s strength, and how she is able to handle losing another son barely 6 years apart. She likens her loss to losing an arm and a leg. She still functions properly, but all her actions are mechanical. She busies herself with work and church activities so as not to wallow in her grief. But the second she remembers, she is back to august 14 again.
The loss of Brad is not just the loss of an arm and a leg; it is the loss of fingers, hair, skin, nose, tongue, ears, and eyes. It is the loss that is felt, that lingers, and leaves a permanent mark. And even if that void is filled with work, problems, enjoyment, monotony, it is there. Hidden beneath the surface of time and motion, it settles there. |
| posted by click & crash @ 1/30/2008 03:14:00 PM |
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| Friday, January 25, 2008 |
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People's lives change. To keep all your old friends is like keeping all your old clothes -- pretty soon your closet is so jammed and everything so crushed you can't find anything to wear...
-- Helen Gurley Brown |
| posted by click & crash @ 1/25/2008 03:22:00 PM |
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My friend, why have you drifted so far away? All motion is relative, maybe it is you who have moved away by standing still.
-- Anonymous |
| posted by click & crash @ 1/25/2008 03:19:00 PM |
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| Wednesday, August 29, 2007 |
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| brad, you passed the nursing board! it was in the newspapers last monday. they said, "sayang. the results should've arrived earlier." i say, " up to the last minute, brad, you made us proud!" |
| posted by click & crash @ 8/29/2007 12:00:00 PM |
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| Tuesday, August 21, 2007 |
| Ditto's Story |
Dear Family and Friends,
We collated some pictures of Ditto's life. Don't worry, these are all from the happy times we spent with him. You might also want to turn on your speakers to hear his favorite song playing in the background. We'd always tease him since he played this song over and over na parang hindi nya masyadong paborito ang kanta.
The family would also like to thank everyone who helped us and offered prayers and comforting words.
I have forgotten some email addresses, so kindly forward to everyone who knew him so they may know how important he is to us.
---Bucao family |
| posted by click & crash @ 8/21/2007 12:08:00 PM |
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