Wednesday, January 30, 2008
for my brother
It’s been 5 months now since that awful day of August 14. I’ve been putting off writing about it for numerous reasons, main reason being grief. I’m still grieving. I think about him and I want to cry. I talk about him and I want to cry. I dream about him but I end up not telling anyone because it makes me cry.

Two is denial. I still think he’d walk out of his room one afternoon and have his usual cups of coffee. Or while watching Transformers, I’d simply turn my head and tell him “galing ni Bumblebee, no?” And I’m sure he’d be the first to fall in line for the movies Dragon Ball and X-Men 3. Even the myna bird fails to realize the absence and calls him everyday. But as Brad would say, “ayun, talo.”

Brad went to the gym and that was it. It’s hard to believe that someone wanting to lose pounds ends up losing not just pounds, but life. Up until this time, tatay drives the long way so as not to pass the gym. If he does, nanay gazes at the front window, half expecting to see you lifting weights or walking the treadmill. Up until this time, I know they still expect you to come back from that gym and eat dinner, tell stories, or watch TV. I know that there are still stuck in august 14, hoping that the afternoon of that day never came.

I never told anyone, even Xty, how Brad’s passing became the catalyst for my “homecoming”. I’ve had arguments with myself about when I should go home to cavite to take care of the parents. They’re both seniors and in their late 60s. my Nanay is taking medication for her heart, and Tatay is taking alcohol as medication. I know that sooner or later, I’d have to take care of them.

And then it happened. It was Brad’s doing. He left too soon. I hate to think that that made it happen for me; but I am with my parents now. Dilemma solved, but such a cost!

I am amazed at Nanay’s strength, and how she is able to handle losing another son barely 6 years apart. She likens her loss to losing an arm and a leg. She still functions properly, but all her actions are mechanical. She busies herself with work and church activities so as not to wallow in her grief. But the second she remembers, she is back to august 14 again.

The loss of Brad is not just the loss of an arm and a leg; it is the loss of fingers, hair, skin, nose, tongue, ears, and eyes. It is the loss that is felt, that lingers, and leaves a permanent mark. And even if that void is filled with work, problems, enjoyment, monotony, it is there. Hidden beneath the surface of time and motion, it settles there.
posted by click & crash @ 1/30/2008 03:14:00 PM   0 comments
Friday, January 25, 2008
People's lives change. To keep all your old friends is like keeping all your old clothes -- pretty soon your closet is so jammed and everything so crushed you can't find anything to wear...
-- Helen Gurley Brown
posted by click & crash @ 1/25/2008 03:22:00 PM   0 comments
My friend, why have you drifted so far away? All motion is relative, maybe it is you who have moved away by standing still.
-- Anonymous
posted by click & crash @ 1/25/2008 03:19:00 PM   0 comments
click & crash
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